OMG Horror

It’s the end of summer again and we’re all looking forward to the great horror flicks coming out soon. Besides killing us slowly, the daily grind that gets in the way of good times also provides the opportunity to examine the people around (real or imaginary) that resemble characters from horror films. This got me and the horror film fanatics living in my dungeon to thinking: aren’t characters in horror films just people that we meet in every day life? Let us examine a few: 

1. Chucky from Child’s Play (1988): “the annoying kid at the mall”

One is a soul-eating, life-stealing treasure troll with an axe to grind against humanity, and the other is a doll in a movie. I kid, I kid. The horror fanatics and I were at the mall reviewing our annual zombie emergency plan when we realized that the little wailing voices around us in strollers and hopping around resembled the loveable redhead from the 1980’s series. On one hand you can say that Chucky needed Andy’s life, but can’t we also see that maybe he was just a little toy, trying to find the child within himself? I’ll leave it up to your interpretation.

2. Freddy Krueger from a Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): “U.S. Ambassador”

Freddy entered teenager's dreams, forcing them into scenarios where they died. Anyone who has seen the series understands that the film is heavily weighed in Catholic symbolism and the suburban fears of the 1970’s, so obviously Freddy was a message about the war in the Middle East. Freddy can’t get to you if you are awake (America), but he can hurt you if you go to sleep and dream (having hair gel in your carry-on luggage). In a way, Freddy was trying to convey to us that dreams were a scary place, but reality was very hard to maintain with zero sleep. Am I the only one that sees commentary on failed foreign policy here?

3. Michael Myers from Halloween (1978): “Tollbooth Worker”

Michael Myers isn’t the guy walking quietly down your street with a kitchen knife in his hand. He’s the guy that throws you your dollar change when you’re crossing the bridge. Both are quiet, both solitary in their work, and both singularly driven towards their goal: ensuring that you understand that you’re hated. Michael spent years in an asylum: small living space, zero company, and thousands of screaming voices and sounds from outside his walls. You tell me there’s one unique guy out there standing underneath a streetlamp. I tell you there are hundreds of them standing in a little booth, waiting for the right car with the right person handing over four bucks. A few years from now we’ll have a new saying: That guy went tollbooth on your ass. I’ve recently switched to fastrak.

4. Jason from Friday the 13^th (2009 or original): “Middle Management”

Jason is the physical manifestation of the guys and girls that just never got picked. You know who I’m talking about. They never made little league, they never participated in extracurricular activities, and they never went to prom. Outside of Camp Crystal Lake, Jason has his name on his shirt, a clip-on tie, and he’s responsible for making sure that you showed up to work on time and you’re not surfing the Internet too much. Does he always resort to violence? No. If you were to get up from your desk and open up the top drawer in their office, would you find a hockey mask and a butcher knife? Absolutely.

5. Marie from High Tension (2003): “Retail Worker”

One of my personal icons, Marie represents the retail worker that you don’t notice standing in the corner folding jeans and organizing the accessories section. Yes, she’s nice and quiet, but that’s because she’s too busy planning ways of stabbing you to death in the employee parking lot and getting you into the trunk of your own car before security spots her. High Tension was a lesson on a crazy scenario told to you from the point of view of the crazy party. I’m sure all killers think they’re helping in some way. So the next time you get a vacant stare from that Old Navy worker, realize that they’re imagining you in some cornfield, barefoot and running from their chainsaw.

6. Reverend Lowe from Silver Bullet (1985): “Your boss”

Finding out the reverend is a werewolf is a rite of passage for every human being. It correlates to the moment in your life when you realize that your superior is completely insane and there is nothing you can do about it. When they grow fangs and begin howling at their desk when the sun starts to go down around 5pm, you have to just grin and bear it and hope you get home alive. Silver Bullet is about learning a huge secret and having your family stick by your side. My co-workers are like my family, but if the day came that werewolves ever did infiltrate our building, um, I’m afraid to admit I’ll be looking out for numero uno.

7. Dead People from The Ring  (2004): “Call Center Operators”

The random person in a call center that takes my 2:00 a.m. call concerning my bonsai knife collection I ordered off an infomercial and never received can count as ghosts. They’re in your presence, but not really, and they can kill you through their inability to physically get anything done. Look at every film concerning spirits that we’ve stolen from the Asian market. Besides scaring their victims to death, are they actually progressive in anything? The answer is no. They can tell you random facts over the phone in an ominous voice, “in seven days, you’ll be dead.” That’s not scary, that ranks right up there with Citigroup leaving the message, “in seven days, we will deactivate your account.” Hit me with your best shot, dead call center people. As long as you’re just some dumb voice on the other end you don’t scare me, but if you crawl through my television set, I’ll be forced to pistol-whip you.

8. Zombies from 28 Days Later (2002): “Banks and Credit Unions”

The wide shot of an empty and demolished London said more about loss and corruption than “The International” did in its entirety. Yes, there were blood thirsty Iron Men zombies covering the city, but they represented us and what we become after the student loans and unpaid credit card debt gets to be too much. Hell will meet its quota soon enough and then heart attacks and strokes won’t be allowed. One minute a person will feel a sharp pain going down the left side of their body, but instead of collapsing, he will morph into a flesh eating machine and no one will ever care what his credit score was. Banks and credit unions are the virus that exists for one reason: to drain our life source.

9. The Blob (1988):  “Jon & Kate plus 8”

The Blob was about an incomprehensible mass that continues to grow and consume everything in its path. Jon & Kate are the essence of the blob and their adorable children are the mass that consumes us and the media. The blob works by causing one to sit through an eight-hour marathon watching the little cherubs run around while their parents stare daggers at each other. You were simply moving the remote control from the chair to the coffee table when it switched the show on, who knows what happened to your day. Faced between the growing pink substance and this media-created clan, I will always take my chances against the former.

10. Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974):  “Pizza delivery guy”

I’ve come to learn that this current economic meltdown we’re experiencing is now affecting even slackers. In the film, teenagers find themselves surrounded by backwoods-types that really shouldn’t exist. They are faced with a psychopath (angry pizza delivery guy) that tries to kill them with a chainsaw (overcharges you and then doesn’t give you a receipt). The financial murders happening left and right everyday is a testament to this iconic character. All of us are getting monetarily slashed when we least expect it and there’s no one out there to hear us scream.