OMG Horror

Jason, in a Semi-Homage to Part II, Dons a Nasty Cloth!

To me personally, there is no single entity more iconic in the horror world than Jason Voorhees.  Sure there’s Norman Bates, Fred Krueger, my man Leatherface, Mr. Halloween himself Mikey Myers, hell even the shark in Jaws – and they all merit their own notch on the totem pole of cinematic macabre.  But Voorhees, well here’s a horse of a different breed.  The longevity of this psycho idiotic man-child is nothing short of miracle.  Not only that, dude seems to only get bigger and stronger and more pissed off each and every time he hits the screen.  Of all of the above assailants, there’s certainly no one who’s let more blood or collected more pretty little teen-aged heads than Voorhees, and he does so in such an obdurate, clinical fashion – the man knows how to pierce his way into the heart of a fan.  And I am one.  So naturally I wanted to hate the Michael bay produced Platinum Dunes remake – not because I don’t want to see Jason anymore, but out of fear it would be your typical watered down, cookie-cutter effete piece of drivel that the lot of horror remakes resemble these days.  Sadly, I did not hate this film.  Actually, I quite enjoyed it!  

We open with your requisite Friday the 13^th recapitulation – we’re taken back to 1980 and see the beheading of Mrs. Voorhees as she tries to gut a teenage girl.  We then cut to the present, where find a quintet of young adults ambling down a hiking trail.  Turns out their simple camping trip is a covert weed poaching mission for the guys, they ramble about how much money they’ll make with their crop-findings.  The group know it all  (no wonder he’s the only single guy, the four others coupled) gives the familiar Camp Crystal Lake back-story, trying to frighten the rest – but the two couples of other things in mind – notably banging their brains out.  In this genre, prurience only means trouble – so it comes as no surprise that Voorhees eventually pops out, face swaddled in some kind of soiled cheese cloth and gorily massacres the shit out of the lot of them.  Cue the title card and “ki ki ki ma ma ma” sound effect.  The new Jason has arrived! 

We meet a new coterie of hedonistic teens procuring booze and snacks before heading to the lake for some post-adolescent kicks.  At the store, the group runs into some dude named Clay (Jared Padalecki) passing out missing flyers of his baby sister (one of the chicks from the opener).  Clay trades some shit-talk with Trent (Travis Van Winkle) before making eyes with his girlfriend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker).  Trent’s a first rate douche-fist, that much is clear – a flowing blond mane like he was James Spader in Pretty in Pink for crying out loud.  The group make for Trent’s affluent family cabin on the opposite side of Crystal Lake Jason inhabits.  It’s party time, right?  Well, as you might expect – Voorhees goes fuckin’ ballistic on these young punks like it was 1984.  It’s up to all to survive, and for Clay and Jenna (who ditches her trust fund boyfriend) to find his missing sister.  Is she alive, or is she just another trophy on the murder mantle of Jason’s stockpile?

Jason (Derek Mears) Strikes a Pose!

Voorhees Considers a Dip Before a Kill!

Well, instead of a straight forward remake of the original 1980 Friday the 13^th, this film is more of a compendium of films 1-3 with bits of part 7 thrown in for good measure, pooling well known fatalities and set pieces from those films and putting a subtle spin on each.  It essentially plays like a best-of album of Voorhees ditties (just think barn setting, harpoon, the dilapidated Jason quarters, etc.).  What’s awesome about this version is it really doesn’t pull any punches, there’s mad carnage (for a studio film these days anyway) and an impressive body toll that is no doubt going to sate the bloodlust of ardent Friday fans.  There’s also a grip of gratuitous nudity, chicks stripping off like your vintage 80s horror-piece – one girl even down to pull a little topless wakeboarding.  There’s also a good chunk of humor in the movie, both intentional and not so.  I personally like how it appears Jason has mega-watt grow lights and house electricity – it seems the dude is a full fledged dope pusher – offing any a young punk out to cop his weed-crop.  Trent’s level of douchery is also good for a few laughs – you actually hope and root for him to suffer the most brutal of deaths. 

But of course the flick is derivatively impish, has dopey dialogue, and despite being better than most horror remakes, certainly succumbs to some downfalls.  The look of the film is way too glossy and polished, and like most Hollywood films (starring young adults), everyone has perfect teeth and skin (save for one redneck perv) they all look a little too beautiful to achieve as sense of realism.  Also, the settings at times seemed shamelessly prescient of a Universal back-lot tour – I expect one to be up and running by 2010.  I mean, the movie is not at all scary – but it is what most people expect from a Jason picture – that he roams around and savagely butchers a bunch of post-coital teens and do so in re-inventive ways.  Axes, machetes, hot pokers, deer antler, bear traps: anything sharp at his disposal gets in on the action.  I did like the casting of Jared Padalecki for no other reason than the dude has the physical stature to take on Voorhees in a showdown (Jason’s like 7 feet tall and we all know most actors are midgets – sorry, vertically challenged).  The ending of the flick, not to ruin anything, seems poised for a venal, preconceived sequel that I believe has already been green-lit.  Look, what I guess I’m getting at is this: I still don’t believe a Friday the 13^th remake was at all warranted or necessary.  And as such a fan of the entire series, I truly wanted to bash this picture in order to prove this stance – but alas, the flick was definitely not as bad as I expected.  In fact, it was a pretty good (if unoriginal) way to bring back the mask.   

         Potential Vicitms Party Up Before the Slaughter!

Terror Rating: 2 out of 5

Originality: 1 out of 5

Level of Gore: 3.5 out of 5

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Recommendations: Friday the 13th (1980), Friday the 13th Part IV (1984)