REVIEW: THE THIRST: BLOOD WAR! - OMG Horror - The Blog of the Living Dead: Horror Movie News, Features, Reviews, Games, Free Horror Films, Splatter, Gore, Puppies

Even the Cover is Pretty Damn Uninspired!

Damn, why did I even bother to watch this toilet swirl, much less decide to review it? You remember doing homework back in the day, before computers, where you'd writer a paper at intervals in like 4 different colors of ink (because you never finish in one sitting)? Well, that's exactly how Tom Shell's The Thirst: Blood War feels - like a poorly composed teenage assignment boasting far too many colors to be coherent, not to mention difficult to complete in a single clip. At once, the film wants to be a teen comedy, a vampire flick, a martial arts outing, a Buffy episode, and lord knows what the hell else. One thing is for certain however, Blood Wars is utterly distracting, illegible, and quite possibly the worst flick we've reviewed here at OMGHorror.

The Thirst or The Worst?
We kick off at a kegger, where we meet a bickering young couple named Jason and Lori. Lori berates Jason's infidelities, and soon a tacky ass vampire appears (replete with black cape) and sinks his teeth into Jason's neck. Predictably, he morphs into a blood-sucking fiend and quickly chases Lori along a frat-line before doing the exact same to her. Cut to the title credits. Upon return, we meet a collegiate foursome headed by our lead Will (A.J. Draven), a pacifistic hippie resembling a cross between a young Ben Stiller and that hermaphroditic Arquette sibling (you know, the one from The Wedding Singer, Alexis I guess). With him is his militaristic, alpha-male roommate Rico (Owiso Odera), a rich bitch turned Goth-queen Ashley (Rini Bell), and hands down the saving grace of the picture, Will's love interest Jayne (the super cute Allison Lange). They all spout some pretty cheese-wheel dialogue; mostly surrounding a rival group of jock-strap meatheads lead by Darren (Cameron Zeidler), a steroidal varsity-man with a penchant for giving Will shit.

Soon we meet Julien (Candyman himself Tony Todd), a coven leader of heinous looking vampires. Todd rocks more mascara than fuckin' Ace Frehley here, a silk Kimono as if he were Yoko on retreat. His mission is to kill and accrue as many of his race as possible, to overtake the world through vampiric domination. Problem is; there's a local band of redneck vampire hunters (Sentries) out to end all the bloodsucking in their town for good. One early scene shows these sentries in full force, but the action is so shrouded in dark shadow and exterior bleakness that visually, very little can be discerned. We see a few bodies hit the floor, so we'll just assume some killing went down. Oh by the way, a stunning cameo by C. Thomas Howell can be seen before the final credits. Seriously, when you bring back Pony Boy and pander to Soul Man fans from two decades ago, you know you're pretty desperate.

Patchouli Boy Will is too Pure of Soul to Get Down With The Hot Siren!

Go'head Girl, Bite!!!

An Ocean of Blood Couldn't Quench this Thirst!
Anyway, roaming through the woods one night, Will happens upon Darren basically trying to rape Jayne. Against his ahem, will, Jayne is rescued when Will shanks a shard of broken glass into Darren's side, dubiously shedding little blood. Yet before the defeat, Will is bitten by Darren and slowly starts to morph into the exact opposite of what he stands for. Then we go into some lame ass dreamscapes where we meet a sexy vampiric siren, who taunts and toys with Will regarding how to comport oneself as a vampire. At first Will resists, but soon realizes embracing his ultimate fate is the only way to save the ones he loves (i.e. Jayne and Rico). We get an ineffective plotline where Ash, the Goth chick, wants desperately to be enshrined into Julien's coven - her eventual sacrifice is neither aesthetically pleasing, nor narratively very plausible (not to mention the unbearable cross-cut editing with Will getting busy in bed with Jayne). By the end, we're supposed to see an enlightened Will, who comes flying in to save the day in some cut-off short sleeves like he was Johnny from the fuckin' Cobra Kai dojo.

Really, I don't even know where to start in regards to all things detracting this film (if you want to call it a film). Let me first say this, I saw a free screener with atrociously bad audio synchronization. Seriously, I've seen better lip-synch work from one of those retarded Simpson sisters. For real, I've seen '70s Kung Fu flicks with more viable sound work. So right of the bat, this flick was destined for negative review. Secondly, as I alluded to in the opener, the flick has way too many plotlines and tonalities for one story. It's like 4 different situations tacked together with the commonality of one cast; the result a completely jumbled mess. Then we have the technical ineptitude. My lord, the DP of this film should be banished away to Siberia - because this guy couldn't light a fuse, much less a cinematic atmosphere. Way too many times was the action choreographed in complete darkness, which probably helps mask how sad and laughable the makeup/effects work is. The violence and bloodletting in this picture is a joke at best, as uninspired as the title of the picture itself. Damn, to know the guy starring in Surf Nazis Must Die directed this dreck heap is pretty disconcerting. But with a 12 day shoot and a sub-$500,000 budget, it's pretty hard to do much of anything I guess.